As I pen down this write-up, the clock shows 12 midnight. Wondering what I'm doing ?? Well..even I'm wondering the same. It's been 72 hrs since I had a sound sleep. I'm unable to sleep. Something disturbs me. If I have to consult a doctor, I'm sure he'll be left clueless. Self-analysis of these mental disturbances answers best on most occasions. Sleeping apnea it is. Sleeping apnea ? Is it a symptom or a disease ? It is both, taking different positions. What I'm suffering from, is the disease 'sleeping apnea ' and the symptom for the resulting mental disturbance is the same sleeping apnea (Got it ?...if not, I'm sorry, I'm not too good at expressing thoughts lucidly) Why is it ? Am I guilty ? Am I worried ? Have I lost something in life ? Am I expecting something to happen desperately ? Have I made wrong moves in life that I'm still unable to come out of it ? One half of my brain seems to accept with the last thought while the other goes with the penultimate one, but, both partial acceptance.This has left me completely confused. Two-three days back, I made up my mind not to blog for a few months. Now, why such a sacrifice when my blog has a good readership and when I seem to be at ease with blogger ? Has something more passionate than blogging invaded my heart ? Will my fulfilment of that take a backseat if I allot more time for blogging ? Well...maybe...I'm not sure. Lots of questions remain unanswered.
Day before yesterday night, I slept alone in my room just to carry about a solitary thought process. Did that work out ? Yes but unsatisfactory. I couldn't sleep and hence switched on my pc, listened to ' Kabhi Kabhi' from Janne Tu atleast 10 times..that song is so delectable...so nearly 40 minutes gone with that song.... Then, I moved on to Ek Pal Ke Liye and Saansein Madham Hai ( Both Shreya tracks)....these two songs tried their best to supplant a lullaby but in vain. The clock ticked 2am and I knew, it was getting too much. I switched off my pc and I still don't know when and how did I sleep ? Suddenly, I saw my mom screaming at 6.30 pushing me to get ready for college. Last night, I shifted room - slept with my parents in their bedroom but still, the same result. It's just like the Indian Cricket team. Even as they switch from one form of the game to another, be it ODI or Test cricket, SL bowler Ajantha Mendis still manages to give them sleepless nights. Coming back, last night was sleepless too - I got up from the bed, went near the window and watched the occasional autos passing by, the tourist cab chauffers parking their cars just outside my house, the horn of the passing cars, reminded me its late night and I better sleep. But nothing succeeded. I couldn't sleep. Thoughts kept entering my mind, one after the other and it looked a reality show where every thought had something to say with one anchor in me.....Why ? Am I not clear about what I want and what I don't want ? Am I succumbing to the galloping pressure to perform ? Well...maybe...I'm not sure. Lots of questions remain unanswered.
I still don't know what to do. I've diversified my options. I'm looking for things that interest me and that will boost my confidence. Now, is there any inferiority complex ? Definitely not. Well...then maybe a thought flashed that put me at the cross roads of life not knowing which path to take ? I certainly do not know. I hope such things don't happen. Is it the incredulity of the mind to comply with changing perceptions ? Am I undergoing a transition phase from a playful teen to a focussed young man ? I've always made sure my latent thoughts are receptive before I act upon. Yet, change in the methodology of my thought process is resisted time and again. Now....why am I writing this here ? Do I expect you to know what's happening with me ? Do I want people to give me suggestions as to how overcome this sudden change in the perception of my life ahead. Will I sleep well if I pen down what I feel ? Well...maybe...I'm not sure. Lots of questions remain unanswered.
Dr. Kalam once said, I qoute
So am I really dreaming ? Is that not letting me sleep ? Maybe it's true and if it is, I just hope it doesn't end up a trivial solution to the set of equations I've framed in my mind to solve a problem called ' LIFE '. There's nothing wrong in wanting to realise one's dream as long as it's within the confinements of one's capabilities. Am I raising the bars of my potential ? Definitely not. I know I'm capable enough if I were to realise the same. It's better I walk along with my dream and not chase it. Will I be able to walk along ? Do I know the pace at which I'm moving ? Do I know the pace at which my dream moves ? Will I succeed in my pursuit ? Well...maybe...I'm not sure. Lots of questions remain unanswered.