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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Sleepless at Chennai

The title sounds similar to the Tom Hanks - Meg Ryan romantic flick ? Well maybe...but its just Rajesh here, sleepless at Chennai, with no Meg Ryan.

As I pen down this write-up, the clock shows 12 midnight. Wondering what I'm doing ?? Well..even I'm wondering the same. It's been 72 hrs since I had a sound sleep. I'm unable to sleep. Something disturbs me. If I have to consult a doctor, I'm sure he'll be left clueless. Self-analysis of these mental disturbances answers best on most occasions. Sleeping apnea it is. Sleeping apnea ? Is it a symptom or a disease ? It is both, taking different positions. What I'm suffering from, is the disease 'sleeping apnea ' and the symptom for the resulting mental disturbance is the same sleeping apnea (Got it ?...if not, I'm sorry, I'm not too good at expressing thoughts lucidly) Why is it ? Am I guilty ? Am I worried ? Have I lost something in life ? Am I expecting something to happen desperately ? Have I made wrong moves in life that I'm still unable to come out of it ? One half of my brain seems to accept with the last thought while the other goes with the penultimate one, but, both partial acceptance.This has left me completely confused. Two-three days back, I made up my mind not to blog for a few months. Now, why such a sacrifice when my blog has a good readership and when I seem to be at ease with blogger ? Has something more passionate than blogging invaded my heart ? Will my fulfilment of that take a backseat if I allot more time for blogging ? Well...maybe...I'm not sure. Lots of questions remain unanswered.

Day before yesterday night, I slept alone in my room just to carry about a solitary thought process. Did that work out ? Yes but unsatisfactory. I couldn't sleep and hence switched on my pc, listened to ' Kabhi Kabhi' from Janne Tu atleast 10 times..that song is so delectable...so nearly 40 minutes gone with that song.... Then, I moved on to Ek Pal Ke Liye and Saansein Madham Hai ( Both Shreya tracks)....these two songs tried their best to supplant a lullaby but in vain. The clock ticked 2am and I knew, it was getting too much. I switched off my pc and I still don't know when and how did I sleep ? Suddenly, I saw my mom screaming at 6.30 pushing me to get ready for college. Last night, I shifted room - slept with my parents in their bedroom but still, the same result. It's just like the Indian Cricket team. Even as they switch from one form of the game to another, be it ODI or Test cricket, SL bowler Ajantha Mendis still manages to give them sleepless nights. Coming back, last night was sleepless too - I got up from the bed, went near the window and watched the occasional autos passing by, the tourist cab chauffers parking their cars just outside my house, the horn of the passing cars, reminded me its late night and I better sleep. But nothing succeeded. I couldn't sleep. Thoughts kept entering my mind, one after the other and it looked a reality show where every thought had something to say with one anchor in me.....Why ? Am I not clear about what I want and what I don't want ? Am I succumbing to the galloping pressure to perform ? Well...maybe...I'm not sure. Lots of questions remain unanswered.

I still don't know what to do. I've diversified my options. I'm looking for things that interest me and that will boost my confidence. Now, is there any inferiority complex ? Definitely not. Well...then maybe a thought flashed that put me at the cross roads of life not knowing which path to take ? I certainly do not know. I hope such things don't happen. Is it the incredulity of the mind to comply with changing perceptions ? Am I undergoing a transition phase from a playful teen to a focussed young man ? I've always made sure my latent thoughts are receptive before I act upon. Yet, change in the methodology of my thought process is resisted time and again. Now....why am I writing this here ? Do I expect you to know what's happening with me ? Do I want people to give me suggestions as to how overcome this sudden change in the perception of my life ahead. Will I sleep well if I pen down what I feel ? Well...maybe...I'm not sure. Lots of questions remain unanswered.

Dr. Kalam once said, I qoute

' Dreams are not what you get when you sleep, they are those that don't let you sleep '

So am I really dreaming ? Is that not letting me sleep ? Maybe it's true and if it is, I just hope it doesn't end up a trivial solution to the set of equations I've framed in my mind to solve a problem called ' LIFE '. There's nothing wrong in wanting to realise one's dream as long as it's within the confinements of one's capabilities.
Am I raising the bars of my potential ? Definitely not. I know I'm capable enough if I were to realise the same. It's better I walk along with my dream and not chase it. Will I be able to walk along ? Do I know the pace at which I'm moving ? Do I know the pace at which my dream moves ? Will I succeed in my pursuit ? Well...maybe...I'm not sure. Lots of questions remain unanswered.

41 comments:

(¯`•._.•[Raaji]•._.•´¯) said...

i have had so many sleepless nights myself... its not always because you are disturbed, sometimes you are just finding yourself and through my own experiences I have found that sometimes it is just perfectly normal to have sleepless nights. You actually feel better after it :-)

deepsat said...

it happens becoz of some restless thoughts!! this is the time to take that old text books which back in college used to put one back to zzzzzzzz!!!

take care!

;-))

Tara said...

Can't quite answer your sleepless night question. Have never had any myself...

"...nothing wrong in dreaming as long as it's achievable and within the confinements of one's capabilities"

Don't quite agree with this. Dreaming is all about expanding your horizons and believing that you can achieve something. That belief helps you really achieve it. Thats what I think...

Rashi said...

s-l-e-e-p-l-e-s-s Nights...they dont get over !

Rajesh said...

@ Raaji
Maybe thats your opinion...but there's something going on preventing me from sleeping..

@ deepsat
yeah...thats a good joke...but u know wat? I failed to add it in my post...I'm unable to sleep in college as well..thats wat is confusing :)

@ Tara
yeah...you're right...I mistyped last night..failed to convey wat i meant to.. I've edited it...check out now...

@ Rashi
Welcome to my blog...keep coming..

Matangi Mawley said...

hmm.. nw, why does tht post ring familiar bells down my brain???

i m a late sleeper! believe me- i mean late- it gets to, say, 3 am at least when i finally switch off the light n try to sleep.. i tried reading- listenin to the entire collection on my mob(thts around 194 songs!) ! dreaming abt things tht wd never ever happen with me! etc..

i think- any person- undergoes a change of "phase" atleast once in their lives. u cud guess tht- whn all of a sudden- a person tries to get himself/herself a new kind of haircut.. or say he/she joins a gym.. or jst tres to be sme thing the he/she is not- we can say- the transition is on! so- it s jst normal.. u, me.. every1.. we ll get over it- once we find wht we need! :)
tht was good- i can say so- coz i felt myself reasoning out- thinking rationally- after reading it!
gr8!

Shruti said...

u know even i used to have sleepless nights...so much that my doctor declared that i had turned into an insomnia..but that was something entirely different..there were so many things going on in my mind..
But yeah, the quote u mentioned was absolutely terrific..
I hope and pray that u soon have sound sleeps..and for that u need to make ur DREAM come true..

BEST OF LUCK!!

:)

Ayushi said...

Hey! why were u trying to sleep when u were not feelin like sleeping? don't sleep! when u'll get tired enough,sleep will automatically come,never be worried abt sleep dude!
and abt tht quote: many pl have misinterpreted it often...by dreams he means what u've dreamt and envisioned for urslef, and ur so inspired and passionate abt it(and find peace and joy in doing it) that it simply evades all periods of a break from that which u are doing...the pleasure of not even sleep can be gr8er. Its abt action being more joyous than rest which is supposedly used to come in times of tiredness from action...
n nxt time: never try to sleep if u can't!

everything burns... said...

72 hrs??? omg!! if i had any "burning" ques in my head...i thnk i'd be more sleepy than ever!!! reading ur blog makes me yawn already...nt in th sense tht it ws boring...but in th sense that hw can sum1 do w/o sleeping for at least 8 hrs a day???

Rajesh said...

@ Matangi
Thanks for reading...sleepless nights are common..

@ Shruti
Thanks...hope it comes true..

@ Ayushi
Oh ok...never knew...thanks for the kind info...sometimes quotes are misleading... I thought one is so desperate to realise his dream that he works so hard that he evn forgets sleep...hey...wait...both are the same...not misquoted.. haa haa..

@ Everything
Oh..lol...for a moment i thot my blog is so boring that u started yawning...I don wish for sleepless nights to u but certainly i don wan my blog 2 make ppl sleep :)

Express said...

:-)
Passed through a very similar phase very recently. Actually, the phase is still on, I have chosen to ignore it.

Well, I have come to realise, work till ambition demands. So either be completely awake, or sleep off coz nxt day is equally important. Sharing a sincere trick. Cold showers, to wake you up, hot to make you sleep. Work wonders for me. And don't be up over night, mind gets super-fucked!

Try reading hard-core zoology books, they help great deal :-P

ani said...

well well..

i would say u r evolving from a teen to an responsible adult..
but then what is it that u were thinking so much and what change are u expecting to happen..

for u to expect a change.. there is something drastically happening that u know for sure that the change is under process...

there is nothing wrong in dreaming.. or having dreams.. and trying to achieve it.. but at the same time.. u should expect all ur dreams to be fulfilled.. you should also give a thought for some failures that u might have in ur life.. thats how u gain experience..

and what ever u r dreams are i do hope u succeed in them..

take care :)

p:s congrats for MIP's award :)

Anindita said...

You need a vacation! Pronto!

RiverSoul said...

Funny you should talk abt insomnia.
I seem to hav the same problem.
For instance, look at the time at which i am posting this comment. ;)btw,
I love that song from JTYJN myself.
.
Do visit my blog sometimes.
:)

Ramya Lakshman said...

Hi da, I thought I was the only one in the family with this problem. Welcome to my world. Let me assure you though it is a transient phase, comes and goes--often between periods of great activity and the big lulls that succeed them. Anyways been meaning to comment on your blog for some time now. Here it is "YOU WRITE QUITE UNEXPECTEDLY WELL!" Hats off da! Unusual range of topics. Great reading them, bye!

sana obaid said...

Hello Rajesh!!
I can see some good efforts.. but it could have been better.
Too many questions sometimes makes things monotonous.
Tc

Rajesh said...

@ Express
Welcome to my blog....and well Me? Zoology?? ha..ha..no way.. anyways i know its a passing phase..keep visiting..

@ Anindita
I've had enuf of vacations...

@ Riversoul
Yup...superb song.. ya...ll surely drop in very soon

@ Ramya
Welcome to my blog... seeing u comment here was QUITE UNEXPECTED :).. Thanks 4 ur comments... Keep visiting...

@ Sana
Maybe its ur opinion...from next time on, read articles patiently and specially, read when u r relaxed...that's when u enjoy blogs...this is my opinion :)

alex paul k said...

yeah i can relate well
but when i am nt gettin sleep i dream & i dream about the things that i really want to happen in my life
somehow i get sleep then
good post

Meghna said...

uummmm.....To tell u....I too have sleepless nights and so do my frnds....but fr me I suppsoe its diff. as it is changing phase frm childhood to adolescence :0
It may be a trasition phase too as you suggested....or it might be stress....whatever it is...I suggest you not to take any sleeping pills and then read some articles int he net which give u advices for sound sleep and rest...if nothing wrks....listen to Nazrein Milana LOL!.....and if fruitless.....keep waiting and dont loose hope :P

Fantasies of a Lifetime said...

I had sleepless nights too and all I had to do to bring sleep back into me is to read some techi book. . .And dont worry too much of the changes in life. .Change makes life less boring and breaks the monotony. .And as for dreams, Keep dreaming we win some , we loose some :-) . .

VP

nikkita said...

hmm...so dude....

visiting ur blog gives me immense pleasure to see that their is nothing in the world that uniquely belongs to u..for instance sleepless nights..i always thought that i was the special one but.. aila!! i hav huge competition.....

i have such a useless routine...sleeping at 3 or 4 in mrng waking up at 7am..or sleeping at 7 in nite and getting up at 3am..and now i have started loving it...cuz this is the time i think..it is a quality time that i spend wid my closest pal...MYSELF..and other ones.. my blog.. my life...etc

anothr funny thing is that while doing all this i keep on roaming here n ther in my balcony (thank god i dont sing..otherwise i wud have been a problem for all my neighbourzz)

well wat i hav realised after so long is their in ur post...i attribute my sleepless nites to two reasons...
il quote..
"Am I undergoing a transition phase from a playful teen to a focussed young man " (wid a change in gender :P)

and...
" Dreams are not what you get when you sleep, they are those that don't let you sleep "
..im a big APJAK uncle fan...u wont believe my next post is abt his buk only..do read it...
well..
i wud just say "enjoy these nights"
they are worth it...(and even otherwise..u dnt hav any other option..)

hope u feel better soon..

luv:nickku
(thanx for reading all this long greek..)

Rajesh said...

@ Alex
Hmmm...ya..maybe..

@Meghna
Yeah...sure...never loose hope.. I'm an eternal optimist

@Fantasies
Yeah...u r right...we win some n lose some...I still love dreaming ( not in Kalam sense ) :)

@ Nikki
Well...it was such a nice comment just like ur prev comments...ur comments have been posted after some analysis...makes them very spl 4 me...ur first sentence touched me :) ...ha..ha...Anyways no greek stuff...yeah.. I enjoy everything in life and these nights are no exception.. Will surely read ur next..

ani said...

heyy u never replied back for my comment.. thats not fair.. :(

Rahul said...

Blogrolling u.

Rajesh said...

@ Ani
got confused b/w u and anindita.. both names have ani as the 1st 3 letters...sorry for that...as u said fulfilling dreams are imp but I'm not the kind to get bogged down wen it goes unfulfilled. I take life as it comes..

P.S: Congrats to u too on MIP's award. We both were added as the last 2 recipients...think its some consolation 4 both of us... ha...ha... :) wat do u say?

awesome springs said...

I think everyone goes through such states in life at one point or more than once in a lifetime. The reasons could be interpreted in many angles; as how different people are inclined to certain sensitivities. What actually happens is, some incidents may create chemical imbalance in the brain. You need a switch mate, that would turn on your activeness! A switch that you turn on for you to come out of the issue. Actually nothing would have gone wrong; all might be your assumptions and inferences; something that’s not valuable but your mind might say it’s valuable to think about etc. If your mind wants to clarify something, let it do it straight. And these downtimes are the times we can be so close to God. Concentrate on studies; when you keep learning your mind will get engaged in subject matters, rather than other thoughts. You got to go out in the city and spend time and become tired. Going out would make you feel good. So that tiredness will get you sleep. You need to keep spending time in talking to family and friends. You can share whatever happening within your mind with your parents. These all will help the brain to take out stuff. And eat a lot of food. Find the exact cause of the problem and then determine left or right. I am sure you’ll get your energy back within a week, trust me.

Rajesh said...

@ Awesome Springs
Wow...a very valuable moment...ll surely give a thot...i guess u r here after a long time...keep visiting...

The Solitary Writer. said...

every one goes thru such things in life atleast once...any way good to know that u atleast feel to write about thse .....btw sleepless for 72 hours ....even i have had enough of thso but not 72 hours dude...insomnia lol

i get during my exams days and especially after studying too much its really difficult to concentrate during exam times and at exam times i dont sleep at all ......

good ost

btw my blog updated

ANWESA said...

try my blog,u may sleep aftr or while reading it..

mona said...

so... mr.insomniac.. dont worry.. i ve spent loads of sleepless nites.. n being a medical student.. i kno dat it does affect u.. but personally.. it doesnt.. its d best time to talk to urself.. wen u hve all d time to reflect on ur thots.. all d peace in d world...dats wen u speak to ur soul.. in d silence of d nite... so dont worry.. insomnia helps at times.. wen no one else can.. n once u find ur answers.. u ll get d most peaceful sleep.. (partially bcoz u ll b dead tired till den...lol..) ... so dont worry... keep dreaming.. coz dreams turn into desires.. n desires into achievements.. n m sure u r gonna achieve a lot in life!!!!

mona said...

n as usual... u hve moulded ur emotions into words so perfectly.. how do u do dat man??.. u r talented.. keep posting...

Rajesh said...

@ Solitary
Welcome back...U r here after a long time...yeah...wil chk out urs soon

@ Mona
Yeah...after posting this write-up, I find many companions...nice to see a medical student interacting on this issue...thats a sign of relief. Thanks a lot 4 posting motivating comments...
Well...maybe I'm moulding emotions perfectly into words...U wan me to tel u how i do that?

Simple...ppl like u takin time off and reading my blog, posting honest comments really pushes me to write better... :)

nivedithasperceptions said...

Insomnia, I think you need to introspect as to why you're having it. It could be a physical problem as well as a mental problem. I think you're worrying too much about small things that don't matter much. Give it a chill, take a few days off and relax. And visit a doctor, cos this is a rather serious issue.

Vivek said...

My pic with Shreya is there in my orkut album ;-) and my profile link is in my blog page...you can check it out if you want.

Vivek said...

Listen to Tu Kahan Kho Gaya from U Bomsi And I...no prizes for guessing who the singer is...:-)

Miracle said...

guess yu r thinkin too much for yur age...or may be this is the age that yu wil actually think at all... both ways can justify yur sleeplessness.. :)
Kinda rite time for yur transition phase i guess wen yu wil be havin dreams/aspirations/confusions...and anything and everything can keep yu awake.. don worry.. it wil all be gud soon.. hope yu get bak 2 yur normal sleeps soon.. :)

Cheema said...

Sleepless nights are charming, you can think like you've never thought before when you have no sleep. People only get anxious about sleeplessness because they think they wont be able to wake up next morning!! Do you realize that to wake up the next morning, you WILL have to sleep.. it's an assurance in itself that sleep will eventually arrive. Funny.
I have some corrections though, sleep apnea (not sleeping apnea teehee!) is caused by a breathing trouble during sleep.. what you meant was probably insomnia.. sleep apnea is the medical name given for a serious snoring problem, you might want to change that bit.

tHe_NeW_cYnIc said...

I suffered from insomnia as a kid...I guess its just a phase.

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

ani said...

where r u??

i have updated my blog couple of times and also wrote on writer's blog..

no respone from u..
hope alls well

Rajesh said...

@ Ani
I'm very fine...been busy with placements and CAT preparation...ya I've been recruited by Tech Mahindra. Kinda busy with CAT prep...its been a long time since I visit ur ppl's blogs...I've planned to sit wit blogs this weekend...will read on sat

Shruthilaya said...

Brrrrrrrilliant!
Especially Abdul Kalam's quote...
And the entire ordeal of how u while away time so late at nite opening windows, staring from the balcony, watching vehicles etc...
Beautiful! It's a whole new world out there.
Hats offff