Last night was quite a time. As I contracted my body within the edges of the bed, incidents of the recent past started to evoke eclectic emotions in me. And just to make sure, the feelings are conveyed here with no compromise, I typed it out in my mobile right away.
I'm listening to Shreya Ghoshal's Tu Kahaan Kho Gaya. This song actually has the power to make even an insomniac sleep. Such is her rendition. But the gamut of the feelings in me seems to defy it. Shreya, first time, I must say, something more powerful than your rendition is swaying my thoughts in its direction. Life's bad but at the same time good. People tell me, this is the time to do many things, but I’m not doing that one thing which most grads do after UG – work. So, does that mean I’m doing many things? Well. Yeah. Many trivial things. Quite a few useful things as well – CAT prep. I’ve been trying to do it. Sometimes, the commitment pushes me to the extent that I solve all the problems in a particular topic in the BRM workbook of IMS. Sometimes what I do is, keep staring at the previous year's SIMCAT papers, in an attempt to discover where I'd gone wrong etc.
I'm quite confident of putting up a better show in CAT this yr. But, what if I don't? There's that probability as well. I do acknowledge it else I wouldn't even make a mention of it here. But, as of now, I don't even want to discuss it. A strong believer of ‘The law of attraction’, I prefer to remain positive. And which is why I’ve gone the extra mile by applying for the IIFT exam as well, this year. 40K candidates competing for 40 seats. In fact, the 28 seats in the general category is what matters to me. When I was a kid, my mom used to say that I was so kind-hearted in my previous birth that I’ve been blessed to be born a Brahmin now. But, in the last few months, and at least till I secure a seat in one of the top 10 B-schools in India, I seriously wonder why I was so kind-hearted in my previous birth. Enter Kapil Sibal, but Arjun Singh's orders still hold. After all, both are Congressmen and it was we who wanted them to rule us.
Well, ruling something…. Now what rules me? My mind or my Heart? I don't know. It's a case of both. Sometimes when u do something wit a lot of passion, it feels really good. But when things don't seem to click, you feel why at all you should be passionate. It's like this. Tendulkar practising hard at the nets; the middle part of his willow connecting the ball every single time. He feels great, but imagine him getting bowled off the very first ball in a match. It's like that. I worked really hard on my novel, with a lot of passion – gave my heart and soul to it. Just like him – it’s like middling the ball at the net sessions. My book has been getting a very positive reception over the last 2 months. More than 20 people across the globe have read it. Yes! Across the globe! It includes India, the US and the UK – the key areas of English novel distribution. And trust me, not one has said that it's bad. Everyone has been praising my work to sky heights. Of course, they do point out “why this, why that”. That happens with all books. The overall opinion is what matters and it's a big thumb up. I'm happy about it. But what's the point if Tendulkar is clean bowled off the very first ball he faces. What's the point when there's no GOOD publisher coming forward to publish my work. I've been waiting, waiting, and waiting. No response!
I've been conducting aptitude training classes – sharing my knowledge with people of my own age group - for the so called engineers, who don't even know the difference between a scalar and a vector. Yes! I really mean that. That's the status of Engineering education in my state of Tamil Nadu. I'm not trying to say that I’m ‘An Engineer’ in the real sense. But I can say I’m not that bad. Well, let me not think about the past; let me think forward. After all, I’m the author of ‘A Step Forward’.
Actually, I wish to spend 4-5 hrs on CAT prep every single day. I really wish for that. But the gamut of the thoughts which trouble me, and the myriad feelings I grapple with, day in and day out, prevent this wish from getting entrenched in my heart. And what happens is I see myself out of sorts posing a straight face, not just at me but at my mobile too. Even at the wallpaper of Shreya Ghoshal on my mobile. Yes! A die hard fan staring at his icon! It's been happening! I feel I must take a break, get out of home, and stay alone. That's what I’ve been wishing for, for the last 1.5 yrs, but God seems to think otherwise. He does not understand me. I don't know what's to be done. I just wish I channel my thoughts in the right direction. Well... Right? I’m reminded of the BJP. I pity them. They’ve been kicking out all the few well-learned, scholarly men from the party, and from the country too (Jaswant Singh plans to visit Pakistan). Yesterday, it was Mr. Singh. Today, it’s Mr. Shourie. Tomorrow, is it Mr. Sinha? “Mr. Rajnath, tell me”. Well, he may be kicked out as well if he speaks ill of Mr. Mohan Bhagwat. Hmmm… Let me find some sleep. The last half hour, I can say, has been rambling of the highest order. Well... Well... Happens with me :) :)
A different blog post indeed! In fact, the thoughts were so hard-hitting, and I was so desperate to post it here that I've gotten up as early as six in the morning.