Resoluteness of Resolutions - Part 2

The moment I questioned myself if I was a good human-being, I pondered over the occasional short-tempered nature of mine. Yes! I’ve made a resolution that I wouldn’t lose my temper unnecessarily. Some readers may find it cliché but it’s a tough challenge and demands resoluteness of the highest order from my side. One may wonder whether a resoluteness of such high order is actually required. Well…such a thing is required for my character. Am I frightening you??? No! That’s not the intention. I’m just being very honest.

I’ve always pondered over the reasons that ignite that wildness in me and wondered if I do get paranoid at times. One thing I’ve realized, over the years is, in an attempt to win over someone by losing temper, we end up losing to our heart. Losing to my heart is something that has disturbed me, time and again. Despite the anger or the existing paranoia, if any, there’s that benevolent person living in one corner of every heart. And when that person, residing in my heart, responds to the wake up call, I start to repent for the misdeeds done. I have experienced this quite a few times in the past and the toughest thing for me is to prove my mind right against my heart and I guess that applies to many too. 

The best place to witness my short-tempered nature is on a cricket field. When a miss field happens off my bowling and especially when I’m in the middle of a good spell, I get wild. The wake up call to that benevolent man in me is not far away and he gets up just when I take the run up to bowl the next delivery. I ask to myself ‘Why did I lose temper? It was just one extra run’. That does sound perfect but it’s really tough to control myself at that instant when the fielder miss fields a straight forward chance. This was just one example and there’ve been many occasions. To be honest, I’ve shouted at my mom many a times and I most regret for the same. Sometimes, it’s the impatience to listen to her that calls for the anger/irritation. I wouldn’t use the term ‘ego’ because, there’s no need for such a thing between a son and his mom. But as I said, it’s just the lack of patience in me to wait for her to finish and before that, I would just shout and leave the place. A moment later, I would get back to her ‘What were you trying to say?’ and occasionally, when she questions the need for the impatience then, I would feel really, really guilty.

In my previous post, I had mentioned that the resoluteness shown by me was pretty decent and I still feel, it was not too bad an attempt though I did begin to lose temper occasionally. There was this class re-union we had planned on 2nd Jan and I was speaking with a couple of my schoolmates about the same. There was no co-operation from many and the attitude of a few really started to enrage me. I showed resolve and tried my best to not yell over the phone. But beyond a point, I felt, it started to get artificial and I just couldn't be my own self. In the sense, I feel I’m myself only when I put down my anger and let the other man know that I’m an expert at foul language :). Whatever! The main reason behind making such a resolution was just to make sure, my social inclinations remain as sound as it is, today. To be honest, I’m one of those few in my circle of friends who makes it a point to stay in touch with childhood friends. It’s not about storing contact numbers in the mobile, forwarding text messages, wishing friends on festival days etc. It’s about keeping the bond intact and sharing good comfort levels.

I fear, if this occasional short-tempered nature might just come in the way of future relationships. As we get older, we start to build self-esteem and want people to respect us. My losing temper unnecessarily may just balloon and pose to be an unwanted threat. So, I found the need for this small change in my attitude and thereby called for more patience to set things right for the better. I’ve come across books suggesting people to take a deep breath while they get angry and I can also remember a few 'so-called' Godmen telling people to count from 1 to 10 while they get angry. To be very frank, or if I confine to myself, it’s too tough to count numbers at a time when I'm enraged at something. Taking a deep breath really helps because, when we actually get angry, the heart starts to beat faster and that deep breath brings us back to normal and also gives that additional time TO WAKE UP THAT BENEVOLENT PERSON in oneself :)

This is a resolution I’ve taken from my heart and since it’s tough for me to work against my heart, I’m optimistic of the RESOLUTENESS OF THE RESOLUTION. I hope to continue with the same resolve and shall strive to become as patient as possible.